


Definitely Not A Ghost Problem

by rewmariewrites



Series: Samwell's Co-Supernatural Hockey Haus [5]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Fae Lardo, Haunted Haus, Human Jack, Ransom Hates Ghosts, Sharing a Bed, Supernatural AU Check! Please, a gross abuse of italics, everyone else knows that the Haus is haunted, haunted shower, ransom is in denial, siren bitty, the Haus was probs all girl housing at some point, the ghosts like hockey butts, vampire holster, vampire ransom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 16:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16370696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewmariewrites/pseuds/rewmariewrites
Summary: Ransom is not afraid of ghosts, because ghosts don’t exist.





	Definitely Not A Ghost Problem

**Author's Note:**

> based on the Check! Please notes, found at: http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/post/65629835404  
> srsly it's perfect it's like ngozi made these notes for this au  
> ngozi, you do good, thank you so much for creating this universe <3

      Ransom is  _ not _ afraid of ghosts, because ghosts don’t  _ exist _ .

      Contrary to popular belief, he  _ is aware _ that he’s a vampire,  _ thank you very much, Holster.  _ Ransom is friends with werewolves and sirens and fae creatures, and it’s not often that Ransom and Holster aren’t the scariest things in the room. 

      But once upon a time, Ransom was just a human who had a best friend, with no idea about  _ any  _ of this supernatural shit, and he has to draw the line  _ somewhere.  _ That somewhere is ghosts. Ghosts are just  _ too much,  _ thanks, and if  _ Ransom _ has never seen a ghost - never  _ once _ in all his years of living and un-living - then they  _ do not exist _ because  _ he has never seen one _ and also  _ he doesn’t like it _ .

      Ransom is a scientist, okay, and he doesn’t have  _ time _ for this non-corporeal bullshit. Science  _ might _ dictate that energy always just converts into another form, but that doesn’t mean it needs to convert into  _ ghosts _ .

      That doesn’t stop the guys in the Haus from teasing him about his  _ totally-and-completely-fine-and-definitely-not-a-ghost problem _ .

 

~

The Shower Ghost

~

 

      “Jack, dude, I gotta get in the bathroom! I know you love your hot-’n’-sudsy alone time, but I have class in twenty minutes and my group-project members are gonna bust my ass if I’m late!” Ransom knocks on the bathroom door a few times for good measure - Jack has been standing in that shower for like  _ ten minutes _ , not doing  _ anything _ , and Ransom  _ really needs to get in there _ . 

      The shower turns off,  _ finally _ , but three or four more minutes pass and Jack  _ still _ isn’t out of the shower yet, so Ransom cuts his losses and barges directly into the bathroom, covering his eyes with one hand (for modesty’s sake) and bee-lining directly for the sink. It’s not until after he’s brushed his teeth and scrubbed a washcloth over his face that he notices that the bathroom doesn’t  _ feel _ right. It’s not as humid as it should be for how hot Jack likes his showers, and the shower curtain is kinda janky so it doesn’t always catch all the water, which means that Ransom’s feet should be a little wet right now. But his feet aren’t wet, and the bathroom isn’t humid, and  _ is that Jack passing by in the hallway right now _ ?

_       “JackJackJackJack _ my good dude, my best dude,  _ tell me _ you were in the shower just now.”

      Jack gives Ransom a concerned look and shakes his head. “No, I went for an early run so I showered an hour or two ago. Shouldn’t you be leaving for class right now?”

_       “Yeah _ , but I  _ couldn’t _ , because you were hogging the bathroom!” 

      “I’ve been upstairs for the last couple of hours, sorry buddy.”

      “But I waited outside for like,  _ fifteen minutes _ . I heard the shower running! I saw the steam beneath the door!”

      “Must be the Shower Ghost, sorry Rans.  I guess they just wanted a turn, eh?” Jack pats Ransom commiseratingly on the shoulder before meandering towards the kitchen, no doubt to mother-hen all over Bitty’s lack of protein intake.

      “There are  _ no ghosts _ , Zimmerman!  _ None!” _

      Behind him, Ransom hears the toilet flush, the tap go on then off, and then he feels someone he can’t see (someone that  _ definitely doesn’t _ feel like a hockey player) brush past him. He doesn’t  _ see _ it, but he  _ feels _ it.

      “There are  _ no ghosts _ . Ghosts are  _ stupid _ and they’re  _ not science _ ,” Ransom tells no one in particular before marching back into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him.

 

~

Scary Spice

~

 

_       (If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends...) _

      “Holster?”

_       (Make it last forever, friendship never ends…) _

       “Holster. Bro.  _ Holster.” _

_       (If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give…) _

_       “HolsterHolsterHolster-” _

_       (Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is!) _

_“Holster_ _wake_ _up!”_

      Holster peeks reluctantly over one shoulder, his visible blue eye bright and extremely unpleased. “Rans, if you don’t go back to sleep I’m going to kill you, and I don’t think you can afford to die a  _ second _ time. We have an early practice at five and it’s like,  _ 2AM _ right now.”

      ( _ I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want...) _

      “Can you not hear that music? Did you fall asleep with your 90s playlist on again? Tell me you fell asleep with your 90s playlist on.” Ransom leans a little farther over the edge of the top bunk, feeling around Holster for the little pink iPod shuffle that  _ has to be there _ .

      “No, dude, you  _ know _ I don’t like the 90s.  _ You’re _ the one with the weird obsession with 90210, stop  _ groping _ me and just go to  _ bed _ -”

_       ( _ **_I’ll_ ** _ tell you what I want, what I really really want: to touch his sweet hockey bubble-butt.)  _

      “ _ Ohhhhhh my sweet velvet cape collection _ did you just touch my butt?” Because there was definitely,  _ definitely _ , a hand on his butt. A whole hand, not just a solitary poke or a cheek pinch. It was  _ for sure _ almost a full-on grope.

      “Ransom. Please. Think before you speak. I’m on the  _ bottom bunk _ . My hand is nowhere  _ near _ your ass.” 

      Ransom scowls, opens his mouth to give a totally witty retort, and - is that his  _ breath?  _ Can he see his  _ breath?  _ It’s cold  _ in the room _ all of a sudden, in a way he hasn’t felt since he was  _ human,  _ because vampires  _ don’t feel the cold _ .

_       (If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta -) _

      “Holster, bro, did you leave the window open? It’s cold in here, eh? Are you cold? It has to be because you left the window open, because, you know, that would be a totally plausible reason for it to be cold in here. Even though we’re vampires. And can’t properly feel the cold. Like how I’m feeling right now.  _ Cold.” _

_       “Ransom. _ You know I love you, bro, but I’m not kidding when I say that I will take  _ immense _ pleasure in draining you of all your blood and leaving you in a swimming pool, just like I promised I would in 1992. We are  _ vampires _ , we do not feel  _ cold,  _ because we are  _ creatures of death and despair. _ ”

      Ransom considers this, for a moment. He considers that he is a terrifying thing of the night, and that he is what small children have nightmares about. And, you know, he really  _ truly _ understands where Holster is coming from in this particular scenario. He  _ gets it _ . It’s two in the morning, he and Holster are currently the scariest things in the Haus (because Lardo doesn’t often spend her nights here), and  _ ghosts aren’t real. _

_       (-you really really really gotta zig-a-zig  _ **_aah!_ ** _ ) _

_       “Fuck this,”  _ Ransom hisses, before scampering down out of the top bunk and diving beneath Holster’s covers. He ends up with one of Holster’s knees in his gut, a hand in his face, and a finger up his nose, but he’s still  _ way happier _ than he was even two seconds ago in his own bed. “You know what? I’m just gonna sleep with you tonight - we can both totally fit in an extra-long twin size bed,  _ no problem _ . You don’t mind spooning, right? What am I saying, of course you don’t.”

      “ _ Dude _ , Ransom, we can’t just keep sharing a bed, it’s getting kind of weird.”

      “Oh, what, so we can be  _ tombmates _ and we can be  _ roommates _ but we can’t be  _ bedmates?  _ Way to show a guy you care, Holster. _ ” _

      “You draw the line at ghosts, I draw the line at two  _ very large hockey bros _ sharing a  _ twin sized bed.” _

      “Oh,  _ fuck you _ , Holster, you know you fucking love to cuddle me. And ghosts  _ aren’t real!” _

 

~

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

~

 

      So, this whole ‘ _ writing on the mirror that is specifically addressed to him but appears out of nowhere while there’s literally no one else in the house _ ’ thing is  _ really _ throwing a wrench into Ransom’s entire  _ ‘I don’t believe in ghosts _ ’ mandate.

      It’s a full-moon Friday night. Jack and Bitty are having their weekly date-night, Shitty and Lardo have traipsed into the woods to do their furry/fairy business, Holster is having a meeting with a few of the vampires that run the on-campus Blood Brigade (i.e. the Vampires’ Student Society), and the Frogs are all out doing whatever Frogs do. Ransom has the entire Haus to himself for what feels like the first time  _ ever,  _ and so he’s enjoying it as much as he can before they all come home.

      (Well, quiet is relative. The Haus creaks and groans, the pipes shriek, and there’s a curious  _ pattering _ happening upstairs, like a few someones are running around with bare feet, but Ransom is  _ ignoring _ all that because he’s  _ definitely the only one here _ and it’s  _ quiet, damnit!) _

      First, Ransom does some homework. He gets an entire two readings and the introduction to a lab report finished before he meanders into the kitchen and makes himself a Sanguine Smoothie, carefully cleaning up after himself so Bitty doesn’t yell at him for blood all over the counter again. After finishing his smoothie to a couple of reruns of Say Yes to the Dress, he decides it’s high time he spoiled himself. He’s gonna take a shower, and it’s gonna be  _ hot _ , and it’s gonna be  _ long. _

      Honestly, it’s  _ fucking awesome.  _

      (The shower curtain  _ definitely _ doesn’t flutter and there is  _ no giggling _ and, you wanna know what, right now seems like a good time to  _ sing really loud.) _

      So it’s not until after his shower, after he’s scrubbed and lathered and luxuriated, after he’s made his cold body as warm as it can be  _ (like a lizard laying on hot rocks _ , Lardo always says), that he notices the mirror.

      Well, no, that’s a lie, because it’s really not until he’s gotten out of the shower and has his towel halfway to the mirror with the intent of wiping it down that he  _ actually _ sees it. And even then, he has to do a double take, because  _ this cannot be happening _ .

_       You’re a cutie with a booty - J + H,  _ has been written in the condensation on the surface of the mirror.

      Disbelieving, in denial, Ransom quickly wipes the mirror and sets to brushing his teeth. Dental hygiene is doubly important for vampires, after all, considering all those extra teeth they have. It’s like having wisdom teeth all over again, except now Ransom can’t visit the dentist without succumbing to the urge to bite them a little. It’s not like he really  _ needs _ the dentist, anyways, so whatever. Fuck dentists, honestly.

      The point is, when he finally snaps the medicine cabinet shut after a particularly thorough pass with his toothbrush, floss,  _ and _ fluoride, he has distracted himself so thoroughly that he actually forgets about the message that was (definitely not) on the mirror before, and is thus  _ completely shocked _ when there’s another message.

_       Ghosts are real, dude. We love having hockey bros in the house. Y’all have great butts. H + J. _

      (Ransom cannot help the prolonged, guttural, absolutely  _ done _ sound that escapes him. He yells as he leaves the bathroom, yells as he makes his way upstairs, and yells as he climbs into the top bunk and pulls the covers firmly over his head. He yells until Holster comes home twenty minutes later, at which point Holster just  _ laughs _ and says  _ dude, Rans, I told you so,  _ before immediately ducking and fleeing the room as Ransom throws every single projectile within arms-reach at him.)

      (Ransom has  _ never _ been so offended in his life and, you know what? After careful consideration? The Haus is probably an anomaly. Even  _ if _ ghosts really exist, they probably  _ only _ exist inside the Haus, and Ransom can take comfort in that. Yes he can.  _ Yes he  _ **_can_ ** _ , Holster! Fuck you, Holster!) _

_       (Hey Jenna,  _ a voice whispers in the hallway, a voice that Ransom  _ is not hearing right now. _

_       Yeah, Hannah? _

_       We should totally invite those girls who are haunting Psi Kappa Gamma over for the kegger this weekend. I bet we can get them to weigh in on the Best Hockey Bubble Butt Debacle - _

_       Oh, it’s  _ **_so_ ** _ on, we  _ **_both_ ** _ know that Jack’s butt is the best bubble butt these halls have  _ **_ever_ ** _ seen -) _

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr at and-still-not-a-ginger.tumblr.com! feel free to send me prompts and stuff, that would be super cool!
> 
> also i love you all and thank you for reading my stuff - i see all your comments and all your kudos, even if I never reply <3


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